Trying to move on.....

This is a time for withdrawing your energy, attention, and efforts from the outside world and external goals in order to replenish yourself. Quiet reflection and attention to your inner world, your family, and the foundation that supports all of your outside activities, is called for. This is a time to "lie low".
This is what a good friend sent me after the loss of a friend.  It was a tough loss-it always is.  Like another  said recently "each time we lose another sister to this hideous disease, my heart takes a  hit".  I couldn't have said it better.  
I'm trying VERY hard to put breast cancer behind me. I'm a 4 year survivor and the oncologists will tell you that with each passing year, your chances of  reccurance lessen.  They say that if you may it to the five year mark-you're basically in the clear.  They are wrong.  It may be that a majority of women aren't re-diagnosed with cancer, that most will live a long life free of chemo, radiation and the obvious signs that you're a survivor. But then it happens.  A sister from the Komen board will be hit again. It's as if you can't breathe and you tell yourself-let the air out.   Can you even TRY to understand when you clearly can't.  Will that person have the luxury of another Christmas with her family or watching her first born graduate from high school.....and finally, am I next?  Am I next in line to get the news that the twinges in my back or legs are not the innocent pains that I thought they were?
Will there ever be a day when I can relax-enjoy the day for all it is without fear of having the rug pulled out?  I  had a life coach briefly and she explained the process of healing after treatment is over when you are trying to find a "normal" once more.  Survivors go through "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder".  Your suddenly thrust into this crazy unknown life complete with new rules-some that make sense but many that don't.  In my case it was 14 months of handing my life over to strangers to poison me but for a good reason.  And the treatment works too-for now.  
Now seems to be all that we have.  Now is enough for me to smile, laugh and enjoy today.  Being a northerner means we are tough beings-tough to live in these harsh sub zero climates for months on end.  Hardy, Survivor-whatever you chose to call me I'll answer to anything.  I'm honored to walk shoulder to shoulder with these other survivors in good days and bad.
Rest In Peace Elizabeth Edwards.  You were a bright star to so many sisters.  You will live on in the hearts of many, a role model to all people as you lived and conducted your life with decency and kindness.  You are now with your beloved son Wade who you spoke of often, your broken heart at losing him obvious.  
We will all meet in heaven someday-and cancer will not be an issue.